When Life gives you Lemons….

When Life gives you Lemons….

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade……It is a quote apparently by Elbert Hubbard. In some creepy coincidence, Elbert was born in the town I am currently writing this. Looking at this quote with its real meaning, it makes sense, but looking at it literally it seems ridiculous….so I kind of hate it.

If the only thing that life gives me is lemons, and nothing else, I may pop a testicle. When in life am I ever going to need a fucking lemon? Out of all the things that I need in this world, lemons are pretty fucking close to the bottom, right next sewage and used condoms. I don’t need that shit! Who this hell sits back and says, “You know what sounds good right now? A Lemon!” Who the fuck eats lemons!? (Yes I know Lemon juice is useful in the cooking of fish, along with other foods that are fucking prissy, but if you only cook fish in lemon then maybe you should learn how to cook!)

If you have a friend who gets you lemons, then its about time to get some better friends.  If I ever have a friend that brings over a lemon, then it better be for the mixed drinks we are going to be sipping and slopping while chilling like broke ass millionaires.

What life should be giving me is sugar. You cant make lemonade without that! I should know, because I am an American, which means we take healthy food and pour sugar on it. (We also love guns)

So if life gives me lemons I am suppose to make lemonade without sugar. So what, I squeeze the bitch in a pitcher of water? There better be a fucking green tea bag swimming in the bitch if you expect me to drink watery lemon juice.

I guess life should just give me sugar, so then I can make lemonade, Kool-aid, cakes, doughnuts, cereal, soda, and all junk food. Then, surprisingly, life can give me diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and eventually an early death. Then my body will lie rotting in the in the gutter, floating next to the sewage and used condoms.

(This was all a thought that went through my mind when I couldn’t sleep and is not to be taken seriously. I love to rant!)

If you want Lemonade, I suggest the song from Blind Melon.



Lets talk about my new book

Lets talk about my new book

Welly Welly Well! So after a long absence of nothing but Scalp Collectors, I finally finished my book of short stories, Stories We Tell Our Dead. With a grand total of 7 stories, it is really fucking surprising it took me 18 months to release it. (18 months from my first novel)  I guess I just wasted my time, but with good and bad reasons…..

Fresh off the heels of my first book, I wanted to do a story collection of ones I have not released or no one has really seen. I wrote a couple already, a fantasy story for a friend, and a horror story for a contest (I didn’t win) so I went with those and dove into more elaborate long stories with complex plots and lots of characters….then I realized I was writing a novel. At the time it was called The Glass Spider, but it was topping out around 30,000 words and was still very far from the ending….so after a couple months of working on it, I hit a writers block and put the book away that I may one day go back to.

The next set back was once again another horror story called Blood of the Scarecrow. I really liked it, and wrote a sequel story to it, that became its own chapter, and then I was balls deep into 5 chapters before I hit a block and placed that on the back burner. My confidence level was dropping at a fast pace, clouds of depression slipped into the cracks of my skull, and I fell out of motivation.

I began drinking at impressive levels, blowing what little money I had on whiskey rather than going to the grocery store. Of course being drunk and dealing with a hangover every day while working a full time shit job really gets a big ZERO in the writing world….but then something happened…..

Scalp Collectors. Never meant to be anything serious, just a free online series I was doing for mental relaxation and for fun. A dark comedy set in a strange apocalypse world. Instead of focusing on back story or reasons and questions…I focused on the lead characters and how they interact…and I felt so relieved. However, every single day I worked on those chapters…I felt a voice in the back of my head….

So, I came back to it, not long after I ended most of my hard drinking. I stopped wasting my money and ruining my health to work, edit and focus on new stories. The ones I brought on board did much better, the new edits of old stories I felt confident about….and so everything seemed great….

But I fucking hated it. We loath the things we create…its a curse, and I feel unsure on a few things, but I did my best to make it look pretty (almost pretty) so I felt positive about that overall, but I was and still am confused.

I am not sure how good it is, but I will let you decide that. For the next couple of days you can get the digital copy for free, so give it a shot!

The Dark Universe….Mummy Review

The Dark Universe….Mummy Review



I waited a lot longer to see this movie than I originally expected. First, I love the classic Universal Monster Movies! They hold up in many ways and laid the ground work for the horror genre. I believe my favorite to be is House of Frankenstein, where they just threw a few of them into the same film. Now, Universal wants to go back and highlight some remakes and put them all in the same universe…because it works for Marvel.

Not a terrible idea, but its really a fucking goldmine and it would work if you would actually make these horror films……but instead we get monsters in action films…(Not surprised)

What makes horror work in modern day or even in the past? Big budget? NO! A List actors? NO! ( It has worked before, but it is not needed. It literally kick started the career for many unknown actors) CGI? FUCK NO! (I know someone in this world could argue this with me, but no. You lost if you believe it to be so. If that is the case, don’t watch horror or read me)

Sadly, The Mummy falls into these like I expected it to.

First off, Alex Kurtzman directed this picture. I am guessing he watched all the super hero movies he could before he even looked over the script. (Something he ignored for Amazing Spiderman 2) With a filmography that is hilarious to look it, Anyone could guess the lines of a box office flop flowing in.

I Just lived on the hope in my heart.

I admit I feel victim to the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I have been trying to ignore that and I do argue movies that get praised or thrown out. I almost believe there is a conspiracy on Rotten Tomatoes where everyone plays follow the leader with certain critics. (I miss Ebert)

Soooooo…I waited a week, went alone, bought my ticket, received my free popcorn & drink (Membership) and sat down as the only person in the theater. With my feet kicked back on the seat in front of me I watched with excitement the trailer for IT! (My favorite book) I enjoyed the classic Universal opening that turned into its dark doppelganger of the Dark Universe Logo.

It thought it was cool.

They show the backstory of how the mummy came to be and a fat Russell Crowe. (I only remember what he looks like from Gladiator) I was eager to watch in the beginning, not laughing at all the poorly misplaced jokes about Tom Cruise only lasting 15 seconds, balls deep in Annabelle Wallis. The CGI stuck all over this film in the most piss poor attempts to avoid hiring makeup artists that do more than polish Tom’s face. The middle of the movie became a little interesting but it was hardly the mummy anymore…more like (Spoiler) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde versus Tom Cruise in a fistfight. I was so agitated with Tom’s charecter, the love interest with a weird love triangle with the mummy that I was praying the mummy would win! By the climax of the movie I saw an annoying fight that feels like something I have seen a thousand times (In action films) and kept editing the film in my head to make it better. The film has pieces that worked, if executed correctly.

Seriously, I could have fixed this movie for them….but I will get to that.

This is a few things that I thought were cool for the movie

  1. The Mummy herself. Minus the terrible CGI on her eyes I actually really liked her. Why they changed her name from the already fictional Anck-Su-Namun blows me away….maybe Ahmanet was easier for them to say. I liked her because they could have made her really scary but they dropped the ball on it, so I could tell she did her best.
  2. The easter eggs in the middle of the film introducing us to a Dark Universe that made me giddy as a horror fan. The creature from the black Lagoon’s hand was in a jar, Dracula’s fanged skull in another…and a body….I am guessing was The Bride from Bride of Frankenstein. Sadly that they are all dead…like this movie.
  3.  This was just an interesting thing. They mention that London is literally built on top of graves all over the city. So when Ahmanet summons the dead to rise  it made these zombie/mummies chasing after Tom Cruise. That is a really cool idea that fell on its face and exploded into dust. (Imagine if she unleashed all the dead to rise and attack the city) But Zombies are a bit stale (Understatement)
  4. I could believe Russell Crowe as Mr Hyde. I liked his accent for the five minutes we could kind of hear it.
  5.  I liked Brian Tyler’s music for the film.

The Bad

  1. They tried to slide comedy into it.
  2. CGI for even how she moved at times, even for the makeup of Mr. Hyde. Did we really need that for his eyes? The only CGI that was fine was the sandstorm.
  3. No atmosphere at all. No clue that this came from a horror series. Remember with the name The Mummy you recall horror films. (Its Brenden Fraser’s fault) I mean Dark Universe is the name of this franchise!
  4. Why the fuck was this rated PG-13? That’s good news for the rest of these movies. Dracula drinks blood but we won’t see any of it. The Wolf Man eats people but nothing more than a nibble.
  5. Who the hell was Tom Cruise supposed to be? He is labeled as a selfish grave robbing/ U.S. Soldier who happens to be Imhotep but never called that. I had no idea who the hell he was suppose to be and why I should cheer him on! That is why I was cheering the mummy to kill everyone…literally making this a Dark Universe.
  6. BAD pacing!
  7. The fact they tried to mislead an audience about the Dark Universe without establishing a good movie yet, all the while trying to hit a home run by doing a superhero style movie with a mummy. You know a corpse with super powers. Makes for a great superhero!

They attempted this before…in 2014 with Dracula: Untold. It suffered from everything this movie suffered from. It was suppose to be the start of the Dark Universe, but they swept it under the rug, started over with a different monster, but used the same formula! If it didn’t work then, why try it now?

Universal, don’t be scared of a R rating. It worked for Deadpool (overrated) and Logan! (Liked it!) Monsters have more right to an R rating than superheros and mutants.

One day I may write my version of this movie like I want to do with Dawn of Justice and other films that were destroyed by critics, but that might exhaust me. Just watch Wonder Woman…it is really good!


If I Swallow Anything Evil…..

If I Swallow Anything Evil…..

I can’t tell you how many ways that I’ve sat,
And viewed my life today, but I can tell you
I don’t think that I can find easier way
So if I see you walking hand in hand in hand
With a three armed man, you know I’ll understand

But you should have been in my shoes yesterday…….

I come to a point where I must stop living in my brain and take a break from a novel to look at the world around me. I currently sit here with a glass of Jameson & pineapple juice (Disgusting) because I can’t really afford anything better….for now. I am sitting on my floor, trying to rationalizing my world into pieces or even the slightest amount of sense that would make me feel good.

For fucks sake I think we all have the moments, so this is either over dramatic or the whiskey talking to me…It has been over a day since I have eaten anything. If I could put this in simple terms it would be that I am a man of many words, but a man of few deeds. Honestly, the greatest thing I probably ever accomplished was beating Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels. (Its pretty fucking hard!)

Of course being in my mid 20s gives me plenty of time to having a great career and starting a family, but I have never been sure if that is all I actually want.

To people I know…They want the house, kids, and especially that white picket fence to block them from seeking their true desires. At night as they lie in bed they may dream about that broken girl at the bar they could have slept with, sitting on the porch after they leave and drink whiskey from the neck because the world seems to blissful to care. Instead, they chose the easy route…the safe route and live behind a fence.

I know my friends think this way…most of them. I however live with no fence or a safety net. I am talking to you with the honesty to admit that I have under 5 dollars in my bank account. My own fault and I live on the razors edge, which is fine because it will never cut too deep. I mean that metaphorically of course.

I can see why I have no love in my life. Am I really a catch? I chase a crazy dream, drink to mellow out and live according to what gets me out of bed every day. I hate my day job with passion and I let myself decay before the eyes of the people I care about the most. I gave up the picket fence for a dream and I live with repercussions 6 years later. Not that this the only reason…I was once rejected because they loved me but…..they could never get a read on me….couldn’t trust me…even though I am the most loyal person I know….(Just because I break up with you when I was young doesn’t make it true when I am older.) I usually tend to make the girl hate me because I play the game to rough. So maybe I did see the nightmare in you…the thing i wanted…and maybe I got a blowjob from your ex best friend, but hey you got the white picket fence you always wanted (no) (husband and kid) and I still live with no shackles, so your loss.

Normally I just get left for an ex…..that feels better honestly.

I now just get rejected….but hey…I am drunk when I ask for one simple date to give me a shot…so it doesn’t sting as bad, but it does embarrass the hell out of me when I sober up.

Maybe I should just cut all my hair off. I had more luck then…. but the ugly truth is I would do anything for my significant other, but they always side with some fantasy in their head. In The Garden of Eden, it only took a snake to end paradise and I live with two, and one I consider a Bro. However, I have never been that religious (We aint talkin bout no poison apples or some missin rib, ya hear?)

Fucking crazy I am….are you even still reading this? Or are you just skimming it like some and ignoring it like most of my loved ones. I could slice myself open and bleed all over these words and no one would notice……alright now I am just being bitchy …..

Life took its dick out and slapped me around. If I had a mushroom stamp for every single moment it did I would assume my sexual orientation came into question. (That is why girls reject me!)

It’s cool though, nothing can beat those moments, sitting on my porch with a snake wrapped around my neck, sipping at whiskey, listening to the city in the night life…usually after a good day of writing. The mellow that hits me is better than sex.

I question myself for who I really am? To some I am just Tyler or Tiller or Ty Ty. To bar flies, strippers and Bartenders I am Azrael Tyler. To strangers I am T.W. Lycan, a pen name of sorts that probably does not make sense, but the mere fact that I had to explain the 3 different Tyler’s must make some sort of sense with Lycan (Lycanthrope) in the name. (For the record…I am not a monster, just a way I describe how people see me as a different person and how I describe myself…and that is why I am single hahaha)

What others lack in a picket fence I see from the outside and I see a great many things….That is why I choose to write stories, but I am not some simple bitch who writes about politics or how the world should be from my college know it all heart. I tell stories to take the people who need a break from reality, to not make the world a better place, that is impossible….it is to make it tolerable for even a minute of the day. Our recent election in the United States just shows how insane people are on both sides of the bar. I just wish for a second people could shut the fuck up and take a step back and admire the good around them and not waste their breathe on an opinion that really does not matter all that much. Like this! What I am writing right now means nothing! I do it for amusement. I’d rather write movie reviews, or music reviews (Especially about the new MGK album coming soon!) Or maybe even book reviews…..hell I wish my terrible one could get a couple more. The reality is that this helps me bring a peace of mind and to all that actually follow me I do love you.

My novel, “A Life on Mended Wings” will be full of these thoughts and ideas with a story filled with sex cursing, booze and broken things. It’s basically a giant blog post…..an exaggerated diary of my entire life.

My friends over the years have been great to me. They give me words of wisdom to live by that really help me pick myself up when I feel down. I never thought of myself as a symbol of inspiration but its true! I have inspired people! That’s fucking crazy! There is other people who give up on what the practical solution is and they go for what they love! All because of the glimmers of light that I helped show. (It was always there they just needed a jump start.)

The greatest advice I heard came from one of my best friends who sent me a meme from a comedian


I think about that every day. (One day maybe my mind will be a rest or maybe it won’t) I want anyone like me to think the same. Honestly I am more of a positive person than I appear to be.

For those of you who stick by me, (Or stuck around to read the whole fucking thing) I wish you the most luck and love.

Side Note: Did anyone see the IT trailer and Dark Tower trailer!? Favorite book (IT) and a great series (except for book 6) Can’t wait!!!!!!





Scalp Collecting aint easy, Ya’ll

Scalp Collecting aint easy, Ya’ll

This is an update rant (because the whiskey told me so) about all of my upcoming projects…..Since the buzz is literally in my finger tips, I believe this to be the proper time to sum up all of my work…..

Stories We Tell Our Dead: This is my collection of short stories with a novella (The Glass Spider) included. This was originally suppose to be a serious collection with a lighter tone, but I said fuck that and took it from a nice PG13 to a NC17. Should be out soon!

Scalp Collectors: My free novel that I am releasing chapter by chapter on this blog. It is about 2 guys who live in a wasteland of a world and collect scalps for their government. A dose of spaghetti western, mixed with some apocalypse, and a dash of horror. It only makes the best dark comedy!

A Life on Mended Wings: A story about a 20 something trying to survive in the world. A novel filled with theories, criticism, broken hearts, sex, booze and personal hell. Though the book is fiction, it is all based on real stories from my own life.

A Sliver of the Moon: A horror mystery about a detective who is investigating a town where victims are being ripped to shreds by a beast. Sounds typical but I promise you it is not that simple….

Maybe or Maybe Not: I have tons of material I am working on. A novel about people who are trying to survive against a giant bird, another story about a guy who works as a DJ in a strip club, a story about a museum of monsters, and lastly, a secret novel called, Red Autumn Hill.

Do these sound interesting? Do you even give a fuck? We shall find out! Thanks for reading and keeping it all alive. From the bottom of my lonely heart I do appreciate all my support!





Whiskey Wednesday: The Basis of Life

Whiskey Wednesday: The Basis of Life

Well, it’s Whiskey Wednesday, and that is my favorite day of the week. Which is strange because I still have to work in the fucking morning, but I’m pretty sure my employers are used to my hangover mornings. (They make me food occasionally so it’s all good.) I have already drank three whiskeys, which is six shots of cherry whiskey all mixed with one little can of vanilla coke zero. That is a delicious drink so I suggest it. Some nights I suck down Jameson and ginger ale, or just a simple well whiskey with a little RC from the local bar in Downtown Bloomington. (Where I live.) However, I fall into a strange trance of thought that ranges to all of my adventures throughout the week, and all the shit I usually deal with. Maybe it’s interesting, but maybe it’s not. I am my own worst critic.


A snake named Rhaegar.


Isn’t he pretty? (Looks a lot bigger than he actually is…)

So late last week my boss, Mark asked if I was interested in buying a python from his breeder friend. It was a lesser with black and gold colors. (Beautiful) I told him I would think about it, even though I was totally going to buy it since the breeder only wanted a 100 bucks for a snake that is worth much more. I ran off to my local pet store and bought a new tank. While trying to put my new tank in my vehicle I had happened to clip the corner across my right arm and I gushed blood like a stuck hog. I rained blood down and dripped into the parking lot. Great….The next day I ran over to Mark’s house and met the breeder who gave me my shy little ball of joy. At the time I was only 75 percent sure I wanted a second snake, (I have an adorable albino baby corn snake girl named, Banshee.) but after I put him in my hand I went from 75 to 100 percent. I do realize that owning these snakes has made me less attractive to at least 50 percent or more of the female population, which is a real pain in the ass but I guess if you can’t love my precious little rat banes then maybe you can’t love me. I did name my snake after Rhaegar Targaryen, which is a dead prince mentioned in A Song of Ice and Fire book series. (Game of Thrones) Rhaegar is probably Jon Snow’s father or maybe its Ned Stark’s older brother is his father! Who the hell knows besides Martin!? (New sample chapter from The Winds of Winter) Maybe I will cross this topic down the road, but it’s a real bitch to write about fan theories.


The Marvel Civil War

Every fucking person I have talked to went on and saw Captain America, Civil War on opening night. I originally meant to but I got distracted with this little thing called, “Having a Fucking life!” But no seriously, I really wanted to see it. Matt and I saw it Monday night and we both really enjoyed it. I am really burnt out on Marvel movies right now and I have been waaaaay more invested in the Marvel Netflix shows. (Daredevil, Jessica Jones) They just have a darker tone, especially with my personal fav, The Punisher joining in! (I am planning a long Punisher topic in the future.)


Matt’s Going Away Party


I am throwing a little party for my best friend, Matt this Saturday. We will start off playing games and start drinking with our friends before we wonder into the downtown life and get white girl wasted, but honestly we are usually worse than that….Matt is currently dating a girl out in L.A. and will be leaving on the 23 of this month to join her. I have gone almost 20 years of my 25 year life with this kid by my side…..things will be interesting…..


Book Stuff

With the release of my first novel coming very soon, I have grown paranoid about the content in it. I have gotten a little crazy with the stress in it and getting a fucking cover made. I will be releasing a collection of short stories a short time after the release. One of the stories I dedicated to my mother for Mother’s day, which she claimed she loved. (Maybe) Very soon you will see a sample chapter appearing on here.



Well, we all have problems, like how I just broke Rheagan’s new heat bulb. So now my golden boy has to go a night without any warmth. Another problem is getting my apartment clean for this party on Saturday. (Also need to invite the bros….) Getting enough sleep so I don’t live on green tea and coke zero at work. Make dinner….oh yeah….Maybe getting a date? Or make some hella bank and moving on from this cesspool of a job and finding a better existence of reality. I should probably stop bitching.



Whiskey makes me hungry so I am going to bake catfish and some Cajun green beans…..Nothing special about this…..well maybe Cajun green beans. (Just green beans covered in butter or olive oil with dashes of Cajun seasoning….its amazing.)


(Notice how each section I write gets smaller and smaller……)


What’s New Bro?

I am going to be writing articles called “Why all the hate?” It’s where I look at celebrities or things that the world hates and argue that we shouldn’t. I may even tell you who you should hate. This first person I am going to argue for will be, W. Axl Rose…….Side note…..I have a chart I am making called “Sex and Cheeseburgers.” Yeah, you will never look at a Whopper again without thinking about handjobs….. Very sad handjobs… (I totally had to add Handjobs to my dictionary and I am not proud of that….)


What am I watching?

Currently, I am watching Party Down when I fall asleep, Buffy or Angel when I am cleaning, and possibly the new episode of Arrow before slumber land.


T.W. Lycan is out!

A day in Review: The Jungle Book

A day in Review: The Jungle Book

When I awoke this morning I realized I had only slept a couple hours. The night consisted of drinking, reading, and binge watching. The sun was wide and bright when my eyes could finally close. I awoke to the news of Prince’s death, and reading the details on Chyna’s death. This process was a “wake up” moment and to keep my mind from focusing on the “book shit.”

It is always in the morning when I think of my novel, or how I hate my novel. The many changes one could make to it can swirl in my mind to the point of disaster. Irrational fears of a failed polish job lead me quicker to the neck of a whiskey bottle. But not that early in the morning. (I am not that fucking crazy) I had to focus on what lay at my fingertips for the day.

Braize, Laundry, Jungle Book. (Possibly a pizza)

Braize is a small time eatery open just a few hours a day, located inside a VFW. They are bread pockets stuffed with meat and all kinds of goodies. The Rasta 4 Eye is so good I almost popped a testicle! I was meeting Basar there to chit chat over the mysteries of life…and Batman.

After having my fill I ran off to do laundry and gave my dog Nessie a walk. Fat John joined me on our journey. I was sucking down large amounts of tea, for my lack of sleep was catching up on me and I sure as hell did not want to fall asleep during the Jungle Book. I really hate to miss a part of a fucking movie.

When I returned to my apartment I sucked down even more tea while diving into video games to cleanse my brain of my negative thoughts. Soon, my father called to catch me up on life and stopped to tell me that he might have found a cancer spot on my dog, Nessie. My stomach turned at the thought. With my book coming so very soon I couldn’t imagine the fucking stress of my dog weighed down on top of it. She would be my number one priority if that turns out to be the case. I am positive that it is nothing, but fuck my thoughts today. Nightmares creep in when I am unaware.

I picked Shaffer up and we traveled to the theatre, where we ordered food and waited for the film to start. We chatted about writing, movies, and bullshit. It is our norm. We discussed our lack of excitement for another Marvel movie, (Though we are making plans to see Civil War on the opening weekend) and are rising excitement for what the future might hold with Suicide Squad and D.C. We chatted on the interesting choice of Idris Elba as Roland for the Dark Tower. Though Roland isn’t described as black, I love the fact that they are giving this talented actor a chance at the center of a loved Stephen King series.

When the movie began we went through a mix of previews that looked to be terrible and yet enjoyable. I actually want to see the next TMNT movie….but it might just be a nostalgic guilty pleasure…. Then the newest opening of the Disney castle greeted us at the beginning….the it descended into a jungle……

The CGI was amazing. Some of the best work ever! Voice acting talents of Ben Kingsley and Idris Elba were spot on! Bill Murray and Christopher Walken were enjoyable to. I don’t even remember the plot of the original so the story was a treat. My only set back that I had was the child actor. He wasn’t the worse thing, (Kid from Babadook) But he was able to pull it off. I am never sold on child actors. Very few are ever talented. Overall I was pleasantly surprised by the film. I wasn’t positive that I would have enjoyed it as much as I did.

After the movie we took off for Family Video to wonder around and judge and find more movies to devour. Shaffer went for Cooties and a couple others that slipped my mind (One had Tom Hardy in it) I rented the last Hunger Games movie. (HATED the previous one) and Sisters (It was OK) Tina Fey looked attractive in it….which is weird if you watch 30 Rock…..Oh yeah….got a pizza in that too!

The Blackhawks live on!

My book thoughts are better and they are always best in the middle of the night……its called The Devil in the Details. I might post a chapter soon…but I will probably pussy out and post a short story or something. I change my mind quite a bit. People never get a good read on me…….Oh well….That is what my stories are for!