The Art of Self Loathing

The Art of Self Loathing

The other day a friend at work asked. “Tyler, look so miserable when we begin to work. Your eyes sag, you become monotone and are just unhappy.”

True.

I hate my job, I hate it more than anything ever. I have learned that nearly every problem in my life is associated with that place. My drinking sky rocketed when I was promoted and my writing slowed. My health became shit because of it, but I need to drink to mellow from work. Days off I am a whole different person…a good friend and lovable. But fuck it! I am not 19 anymore. So just fuck it!

I know what I sound like (A little bitch) but do you understand? Do you know what it is like to be inside my fucking head at all? How I can never make my mind up on anything…from the nearest sandwich to the nearest girl to love. No option in my life makes things simple. I hate choosing. I always have a couple voices telling me what to do and I can’t handle it. I c rave the bad thing but long for the good thing. Can anyone understand that shit? I can’t….(Never Will)

In reality…I am not this much of a sad sack. I live my life to my rules and standards, but what people don’t realize is that every single time I fail at something I relive every moment in my life where I embarrassed myself, going back to childhood and teen years and even moments from the year 2017. All failures and all moments of embarrassments fall passed my eyes like I am seeing all one last time, but it is never the last time…it never is.

Writing and drinking is all that makes me feel complete anymore. Its ugly but its true…but you know what is the beautiful thing about me? My opinion might change the next minute (Or second) I could love the world tomorrow, but hate it an hour later. That is me…a hundred percent me.

My best friend asked me if I am going to sleep with my ex when she comes rolling back into town. A huge part of me says yes, but the rest says no. My opinion on that has changes four times since he asked. its only been a couple hours as I write this. It won’t happen…but I could really use that hateful closure.

One of my new novels (A life on Mended Wings) touches on this aspect of me quite a bit. It feels good to write….but Scalp Collectors may not be the best work, but it keeps me grounded.

I really want an article about my favorite band. (Blind Melon) Maybe about my favorite album. (Soup) It is the only thing that can keep me from bouncing off the walls when I feel down some. (for a minute) So look forward to that if there are any melon heads that read this?

Speaking of that….where the fuck is the Shannon Hoon movie that I helped fund on kickstarter!? I mean its been like two years and my name is suppose to be in the credits! Hurry up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder Woman was great! Go see it! DC you are saved…..

I guess I will order a calzone and eat myself into a food coma, wake up and walk my somber ass to my job. (Vehicle is being worked on) Maybe I will love the day! Maybe I will hate the world! Let the coin of life flip and send me in motion……..

 

 

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If I Swallow Anything Evil…..

If I Swallow Anything Evil…..

I can’t tell you how many ways that I’ve sat,
And viewed my life today, but I can tell you
I don’t think that I can find easier way
So if I see you walking hand in hand in hand
With a three armed man, you know I’ll understand

But you should have been in my shoes yesterday…….

I come to a point where I must stop living in my brain and take a break from a novel to look at the world around me. I currently sit here with a glass of Jameson & pineapple juice (Disgusting) because I can’t really afford anything better….for now. I am sitting on my floor, trying to rationalizing my world into pieces or even the slightest amount of sense that would make me feel good.

For fucks sake I think we all have the moments, so this is either over dramatic or the whiskey talking to me…It has been over a day since I have eaten anything. If I could put this in simple terms it would be that I am a man of many words, but a man of few deeds. Honestly, the greatest thing I probably ever accomplished was beating Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels. (Its pretty fucking hard!)

Of course being in my mid 20s gives me plenty of time to having a great career and starting a family, but I have never been sure if that is all I actually want.

To people I know…They want the house, kids, and especially that white picket fence to block them from seeking their true desires. At night as they lie in bed they may dream about that broken girl at the bar they could have slept with, sitting on the porch after they leave and drink whiskey from the neck because the world seems to blissful to care. Instead, they chose the easy route…the safe route and live behind a fence.

I know my friends think this way…most of them. I however live with no fence or a safety net. I am talking to you with the honesty to admit that I have under 5 dollars in my bank account. My own fault and I live on the razors edge, which is fine because it will never cut too deep. I mean that metaphorically of course.

I can see why I have no love in my life. Am I really a catch? I chase a crazy dream, drink to mellow out and live according to what gets me out of bed every day. I hate my day job with passion and I let myself decay before the eyes of the people I care about the most. I gave up the picket fence for a dream and I live with repercussions 6 years later. Not that this the only reason…I was once rejected because they loved me but…..they could never get a read on me….couldn’t trust me…even though I am the most loyal person I know….(Just because I break up with you when I was young doesn’t make it true when I am older.) I usually tend to make the girl hate me because I play the game to rough. So maybe I did see the nightmare in you…the thing i wanted…and maybe I got a blowjob from your ex best friend, but hey you got the white picket fence you always wanted (no) (husband and kid) and I still live with no shackles, so your loss.

Normally I just get left for an ex…..that feels better honestly.

I now just get rejected….but hey…I am drunk when I ask for one simple date to give me a shot…so it doesn’t sting as bad, but it does embarrass the hell out of me when I sober up.

Maybe I should just cut all my hair off. I had more luck then…. but the ugly truth is I would do anything for my significant other, but they always side with some fantasy in their head. In The Garden of Eden, it only took a snake to end paradise and I live with two, and one I consider a Bro. However, I have never been that religious (We aint talkin bout no poison apples or some missin rib, ya hear?)

Fucking crazy I am….are you even still reading this? Or are you just skimming it like some and ignoring it like most of my loved ones. I could slice myself open and bleed all over these words and no one would notice……alright now I am just being bitchy …..

Life took its dick out and slapped me around. If I had a mushroom stamp for every single moment it did I would assume my sexual orientation came into question. (That is why girls reject me!)

It’s cool though, nothing can beat those moments, sitting on my porch with a snake wrapped around my neck, sipping at whiskey, listening to the city in the night life…usually after a good day of writing. The mellow that hits me is better than sex.

I question myself for who I really am? To some I am just Tyler or Tiller or Ty Ty. To bar flies, strippers and Bartenders I am Azrael Tyler. To strangers I am T.W. Lycan, a pen name of sorts that probably does not make sense, but the mere fact that I had to explain the 3 different Tyler’s must make some sort of sense with Lycan (Lycanthrope) in the name. (For the record…I am not a monster, just a way I describe how people see me as a different person and how I describe myself…and that is why I am single hahaha)

What others lack in a picket fence I see from the outside and I see a great many things….That is why I choose to write stories, but I am not some simple bitch who writes about politics or how the world should be from my college know it all heart. I tell stories to take the people who need a break from reality, to not make the world a better place, that is impossible….it is to make it tolerable for even a minute of the day. Our recent election in the United States just shows how insane people are on both sides of the bar. I just wish for a second people could shut the fuck up and take a step back and admire the good around them and not waste their breathe on an opinion that really does not matter all that much. Like this! What I am writing right now means nothing! I do it for amusement. I’d rather write movie reviews, or music reviews (Especially about the new MGK album coming soon!) Or maybe even book reviews…..hell I wish my terrible one could get a couple more. The reality is that this helps me bring a peace of mind and to all that actually follow me I do love you.

My novel, “A Life on Mended Wings” will be full of these thoughts and ideas with a story filled with sex cursing, booze and broken things. It’s basically a giant blog post…..an exaggerated diary of my entire life.

My friends over the years have been great to me. They give me words of wisdom to live by that really help me pick myself up when I feel down. I never thought of myself as a symbol of inspiration but its true! I have inspired people! That’s fucking crazy! There is other people who give up on what the practical solution is and they go for what they love! All because of the glimmers of light that I helped show. (It was always there they just needed a jump start.)

The greatest advice I heard came from one of my best friends who sent me a meme from a comedian

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I think about that every day. (One day maybe my mind will be a rest or maybe it won’t) I want anyone like me to think the same. Honestly I am more of a positive person than I appear to be.

For those of you who stick by me, (Or stuck around to read the whole fucking thing) I wish you the most luck and love.

Side Note: Did anyone see the IT trailer and Dark Tower trailer!? Favorite book (IT) and a great series (except for book 6) Can’t wait!!!!!!