The Art of Self Loathing

The Art of Self Loathing

The other day a friend at work asked. “Tyler, look so miserable when we begin to work. Your eyes sag, you become monotone and are just unhappy.”

True.

I hate my job, I hate it more than anything ever. I have learned that nearly every problem in my life is associated with that place. My drinking sky rocketed when I was promoted and my writing slowed. My health became shit because of it, but I need to drink to mellow from work. Days off I am a whole different person…a good friend and lovable. But fuck it! I am not 19 anymore. So just fuck it!

I know what I sound like (A little bitch) but do you understand? Do you know what it is like to be inside my fucking head at all? How I can never make my mind up on anything…from the nearest sandwich to the nearest girl to love. No option in my life makes things simple. I hate choosing. I always have a couple voices telling me what to do and I can’t handle it. I c rave the bad thing but long for the good thing. Can anyone understand that shit? I can’t….(Never Will)

In reality…I am not this much of a sad sack. I live my life to my rules and standards, but what people don’t realize is that every single time I fail at something I relive every moment in my life where I embarrassed myself, going back to childhood and teen years and even moments from the year 2017. All failures and all moments of embarrassments fall passed my eyes like I am seeing all one last time, but it is never the last time…it never is.

Writing and drinking is all that makes me feel complete anymore. Its ugly but its true…but you know what is the beautiful thing about me? My opinion might change the next minute (Or second) I could love the world tomorrow, but hate it an hour later. That is me…a hundred percent me.

My best friend asked me if I am going to sleep with my ex when she comes rolling back into town. A huge part of me says yes, but the rest says no. My opinion on that has changes four times since he asked. its only been a couple hours as I write this. It won’t happen…but I could really use that hateful closure.

One of my new novels (A life on Mended Wings) touches on this aspect of me quite a bit. It feels good to write….but Scalp Collectors may not be the best work, but it keeps me grounded.

I really want an article about my favorite band. (Blind Melon) Maybe about my favorite album. (Soup) It is the only thing that can keep me from bouncing off the walls when I feel down some. (for a minute) So look forward to that if there are any melon heads that read this?

Speaking of that….where the fuck is the Shannon Hoon movie that I helped fund on kickstarter!? I mean its been like two years and my name is suppose to be in the credits! Hurry up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder Woman was great! Go see it! DC you are saved…..

I guess I will order a calzone and eat myself into a food coma, wake up and walk my somber ass to my job. (Vehicle is being worked on) Maybe I will love the day! Maybe I will hate the world! Let the coin of life flip and send me in motion……..