Tusk (2014) Movie Review

Tusk (2014) Movie Review

I hate this fucking movie. Do not ever watch this piece of filth. If you have a friend who likes this movie then it is time to get better fucking friends. I wanna slap Justin Long and Johnny Depp in the face for agreeing to this. If this is the reason Amber Heard divorced Depp then I am totally 100 percent on her side of it.

Kevin Smith, please quit. You made some great movies….then you made this…..Was it meant to be funny?…..Justin Long constantly screaming AAAARRRGGG! ARRRRGGG! AAAARRRGGG! Boy, what an oscar performance….side note get better CGI for the boy cutting his leg off……..(It breaks my heart because I really liked Red State)

Depp…what the fuck man? That scene with you talking to the killer/redneck canadian was one of the worse things I have ever seen in cinema…seriously….I wanted to drive a fucking drill into my skull…I like many of your films, but that does not save you from this fucking garbage…..I noticed you did a spin off of this and I will never see it.

Haley Joel Osment….Desperate are we?

There you have it 0/5 stars. First film I have ever given a 0 for.tusk

What the fuck is this?

Finding Dory, A life in Review

Finding Dory, A life in Review

Today began like any other day….You toss and turn all night, feeling sick and horrible, with a solid dose of nightmares that rip your innards out, and waking up to an email saying your novel was published. Yeah….just any other day….

The day consisted trying to setup an ad campaign for selling my novel (I was very pissed) I realized that I missed every fucking meal except the dinner I was suppose to go to with family. Throughout the day my phone was blowing up with notifications about my novel, people reposting it and etc. I was am very grateful for all of it, but I am mentally exhausted from it all and want a few days off (I can’t fucking do that) A vacation sounds nice…

All I wanted today was to watch Finding Dory….

After a good dinner at Olive Garden with some of my family, (All the carbs) I met with Andrew and Haley at her house to watch Finding Nemo before we saw Finding Dory. We were just a few 20 somethings sitting in a basement watching Disney movies……

Finding Dory

The film was interesting because it was a mix of a prequel and a sequel. Pixar never ceases to amaze me how strange, funny, and heartwarming they make their films with still a predictable ending. The film was spontaneous (Like Dory)  with the the plot twisting around, with many new and awesome characters joining them. The humor was the best part. It was funnier than the first and was overall more enjoyable. Even the ending credit scene was worth it. Sequels are usually a disaster for films, yet Pixar seems to do a great job with them. (I am talking about Toy Story 3 more so than 2)  I don’t want to spoil anything because it’s so new, just go see it….which I know everyone will do because it’s Pixar. When has Pixar ever failed? (Brave?)

Side Note: I noticed at the theater that it was mostly 20 somethings. No children! So, now I feel better about the Disney movie in a basement comment.

What’s Next: Book stuff, Buffy review, and a heartwarming message about best friends and how it shapes and mold our pathetic existence of life! (Maybe)

Right now….I need to find some food and get myself well rested. Tomorrow is a long day of work followed by some sophisticated socializing with my peers. (Beerfest)

Peace!

 

 

What the F Hollywood! Witch Movies

What the F Hollywood! Witch Movies

We all have seen them in some shape or form. Witches. A very casual theme around Halloween. Ugly women with green skin, maybe more ugly who want to gobble up all the kiddies.  The fairy tales fill our childhood with mystery and fear, and as we get older they become something else entirely…..

Witch movies….What the fuck!?

Now before I elaborate, I want to say that I’ am not talking about Witch television shows. For example, Charmed, Sabrina, Salem, and not even Buffy The Vampire Slayer. (Love this show) All feature witches, but do you know why I am not going to talk about them? Well, they all are fucking wrong. Sexy witches! Tons of them, or at least on a Plain Jane level. Now, I love Dark Willow as much as the next Buffy fan that wants to bone her. (More of a Cordy and Faith kind of guy) Plus, she was one of the few things that was great about season 6.

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Fuck these guys

I am only going to rant about movies because they all come with the possibility to scare us. They are meant to scare us….yet they cannot…..allow me to explain. Witches and Hags were very common in early folklore. The Grimm fairy tales are good examples. (Not that fucking show) A lot of our early folklore, urban legends, and all kinds of cultures tell us about hideous women who pledge to Satan, praise him by fire, eat children, sacrifice them to the devil, play with the dark arts etc. The hysteria it would bring to villages was horrifying that lead to more than one murder. American history has its own Salem witch trials to show for it. Now, allow me to explain why I hate the movies……

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

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We all know this movie. A loved and cherished classic by many. A popular book series with a few movies. (Returned to Oz is better) The first one gave us this witch.

As a kid I was terrified of her. The green skin, her voice and cackle. (I love a good witch cackle) I would always think she would fly down on her broomstick and eat me. She was a good witch.I am not alone when I said I was scared of her. Many people suffered her as well. However, she would become the mascot for how witches should look. Green skin, ugly, maybe a crooked nose, warts, wears a big pointy hat, her crystal ball, and broomstick. Some of this is right and some of this is wrong, but it ruined witches for years to come. That look is used in pop culture. Too many examples to explain, (I will say Banjo Kazooie) but I fear this is what took the seriousness out of the Witch. Plus, we all know Glinda The Good Witch is the true villain of that movie. I’m serious, look it up! Now that I got this out of the way….its time to get to the bad examples…..

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

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I remember when this came out and how the whole world said it was the scariest movie! As a kid I was so excited to see it. We rented it from Blockbuster (R.I.P.) and couldn’t wait to see this Blair Witch……so there were some stick bound together, some yells, some bloody pieces, and an old house. No witch! No Bloody witch! It’s called the Blair Witch Project, so don’t you think there should have been a witch at any given time. The best part of the movie is when they interview people and you hear all the legends. The rest is a bunch of paranoid people running around the woods and crying into a camera!

I will give it credit for the scary atmosphere it created. It gave the sense of something looking in the dark….however I really think this film had so much more potential and it failed to live up to its own hype. They used the internet to make fake web articles, and the purpose was to make people believe that there kids really went missing and their “found footage” was real. Back then it was easier to make fake articles without a thousand people figuring out the truth in 10 minutes. Highly debatable for awhile before the truth came out, but that marketing scheme drove people into the theaters and all the film does is a bit of a let down. Why not show the silhouette of a woman standing in the background watching them? Maybe a terrifying cackle coming from the woods? Perhaps we get a glimpse of a hideous old hag when they discover the house, her face quickly vanishing from the window? The opportunities to make this movie better with an extra 20 minutes could have sold me and could have made a scarier movie. It was loved when it first came out, but has a fair share of hatred years later. Did it help pave the way for the Found Footage films that appeared in recent years? Yes. Is it the best? No. Honestly Cannibal Holocaust is the best. (It started the genre) Most of all it was false advertising for a Witch that does not appear at all in the entire movie.

I wonder if True Detective got the idea of a bundle of sticks from this movie……

 

Lords of Salem (2012)

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Well, I got what I wished for. Fucking Witches. Did it come from a good movie? No. Once again another movie that had potential and failed. Failed miserably. A disc jockey gets a record called Lords of Salem and starts her on this spiral down hill about a coven of witches and they want her etc. The film isn’t scary, but the film does deliver on witches, praying to the devil around a fire, but where director Rob Zombie fails is what hurts the movie. He gets these creative ideas that are suppose to make up and or explain events through weird mystical scenes. Think the White Horse thing from his Halloween 2 remake. In this they have this whole vacant apartment scene that was so weird and out of place it took my interest out of the movie. If it was suppose to be a dark meaning I sure as hell didn’t get it. Is it about witches and the devil? Sure, I got that part, but the movie was a mess with a predictable ending. I feel the witches were too much, and so much that they stray from the source material and begin to create their own. Rob Zombie’s only good film is The Devil’s Rejects (2005) and that’s because he does a smart and creative straight to point brutal film.

There is one good part that I felt Zombie should have exploited. In one scene Sheri Moon is walking through her apartment and in the background standing on her kitchen counter is a naked, nasty, old hag of a witch. It made my skin crawl and I was excited if he was going to do these little things throughout the film. Nope, he dives in as fast as he could and leaves nothing for build up or for our imaginations to make. At the end if this I will say that this movie was confusing, but predictable, and it was probably only 5 minutes and a lower budget away from being some snuff grindhouse film from the 70s.

Hey, at least I got some fucking witches!

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

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No! That is all.

The Witch (2015)

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Finally! A witch movie about witches! Witchcraft! Paranoia! folklore! Even some god damned Puritans! It literally had everything I wanted, everything I have been bitching about. Apparently the director also had a fascination with witches and wanted to make a really good film. The film deals with a Puritan family being haunted by witches or just a single witch and a lot of the horrors come from the family turning on each other. The film showed hideous hags, a child sacrifice, a boy being seduced, a torn apart terrified family, possessed animals, a crow scene that was chilling, and even a witch cackle. (It was more of a laugh, but terrifying.) The film was well directed, acted, filmed, and even gives you some while leaving the rest to the imagination.

However, There’s one huge problem with it. The target audience didn’t like it. In recent years we have had a few indie horror films make a splash. (Babadook, It follows etc) They are well directed, and original movies, with terrifying scares that leaves their target audience baffled. This movie didn’t do that.

Now all films can be classified by three differnt types of moviegoers. 1. Critics, 2. Movie lovers, 3. Target audience. Critics give awards and praise to a film, movie lovers just enjoy all types of movies and don’t make a big deal about them other than just something they can enjoy, and the target audience makes your money. Those are your horror lovers….and they all seemed to find this movie boring…..Now I consider myself being a part of all three of these categories so when I finished watching The Witch I felt conflicted. The actual witch stuff was great, a beautifully directed film, but as a horror film it just kind of sucked. A lot of confusing conversations about evil and only one really scary part. (The crow scene) I understand anyone’s disappointment in the film and I could easily see it fall into the cracks of a forgotten movie.

Each movie missed out on making a perfect witch film. I feel that Hollywood has never understood the formula.

The Wizard of Oz (A classic, but started the stereotype)

The Blair Witch Project (Great idea, but doesn’t have any witches)

Lords of Salem  (Potential with the idea, but poorly made film)

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (The fuck is this?)

The Witch (Great movie, bad horror film)

Now maybe I am being a bitch and need to shut the hell up (If I could) and maybe some of you actually enjoyed some of these films. I have a bit of a biased opinion and I have only seen a select few films. If you know of any foreign films that are really good I would love to hear about them, or just any I flat forgot about, please tell me. I also think that if you enjoy witches of any sort then you should check out these films. You might enjoy them! I kinda did…..and remember Witches be Bitches!

Side Note: Horror Hotel or City of the Dead (1960) Its pretty good old Christopher Lee movie about a town full of witches. It’s not very accurate at all but it is a good black & white horror flick that is mostly forgotten.

 

 

A day in Review: The Jungle Book

A day in Review: The Jungle Book

When I awoke this morning I realized I had only slept a couple hours. The night consisted of drinking, reading, and binge watching. The sun was wide and bright when my eyes could finally close. I awoke to the news of Prince’s death, and reading the details on Chyna’s death. This process was a “wake up” moment and to keep my mind from focusing on the “book shit.”

It is always in the morning when I think of my novel, or how I hate my novel. The many changes one could make to it can swirl in my mind to the point of disaster. Irrational fears of a failed polish job lead me quicker to the neck of a whiskey bottle. But not that early in the morning. (I am not that fucking crazy) I had to focus on what lay at my fingertips for the day.

Braize, Laundry, Jungle Book. (Possibly a pizza)

Braize is a small time eatery open just a few hours a day, located inside a VFW. They are bread pockets stuffed with meat and all kinds of goodies. The Rasta 4 Eye is so good I almost popped a testicle! I was meeting Basar there to chit chat over the mysteries of life…and Batman.

After having my fill I ran off to do laundry and gave my dog Nessie a walk. Fat John joined me on our journey. I was sucking down large amounts of tea, for my lack of sleep was catching up on me and I sure as hell did not want to fall asleep during the Jungle Book. I really hate to miss a part of a fucking movie.

When I returned to my apartment I sucked down even more tea while diving into video games to cleanse my brain of my negative thoughts. Soon, my father called to catch me up on life and stopped to tell me that he might have found a cancer spot on my dog, Nessie. My stomach turned at the thought. With my book coming so very soon I couldn’t imagine the fucking stress of my dog weighed down on top of it. She would be my number one priority if that turns out to be the case. I am positive that it is nothing, but fuck my thoughts today. Nightmares creep in when I am unaware.

I picked Shaffer up and we traveled to the theatre, where we ordered food and waited for the film to start. We chatted about writing, movies, and bullshit. It is our norm. We discussed our lack of excitement for another Marvel movie, (Though we are making plans to see Civil War on the opening weekend) and are rising excitement for what the future might hold with Suicide Squad and D.C. We chatted on the interesting choice of Idris Elba as Roland for the Dark Tower. Though Roland isn’t described as black, I love the fact that they are giving this talented actor a chance at the center of a loved Stephen King series.

When the movie began we went through a mix of previews that looked to be terrible and yet enjoyable. I actually want to see the next TMNT movie….but it might just be a nostalgic guilty pleasure…. Then the newest opening of the Disney castle greeted us at the beginning….the it descended into a jungle……

The CGI was amazing. Some of the best work ever! Voice acting talents of Ben Kingsley and Idris Elba were spot on! Bill Murray and Christopher Walken were enjoyable to. I don’t even remember the plot of the original so the story was a treat. My only set back that I had was the child actor. He wasn’t the worse thing, (Kid from Babadook) But he was able to pull it off. I am never sold on child actors. Very few are ever talented. Overall I was pleasantly surprised by the film. I wasn’t positive that I would have enjoyed it as much as I did.

After the movie we took off for Family Video to wonder around and judge and find more movies to devour. Shaffer went for Cooties and a couple others that slipped my mind (One had Tom Hardy in it) I rented the last Hunger Games movie. (HATED the previous one) and Sisters (It was OK) Tina Fey looked attractive in it….which is weird if you watch 30 Rock…..Oh yeah….got a pizza in that too!

The Blackhawks live on!

My book thoughts are better and they are always best in the middle of the night……its called The Devil in the Details. I might post a chapter soon…but I will probably pussy out and post a short story or something. I change my mind quite a bit. People never get a good read on me…….Oh well….That is what my stories are for!